An excerpt from Chemolog
Overview
This is my first chemotherapy session on the R-CHOP protocol, detailing both the medical process and the profound emotional experience of beginning cancer treatment.
Medical Details
The R-CHOP protocol involves five drugs: CHOP targets fast-dividing cells while Rituximab targets cancer B-cells directly. I received Benadryl beforehand since Rituximab causes severe allergic reactions in 30-90% of patients. I experienced only a burning sensation in my arm, which subsided when nurses slowed the infusion rate.
Emotional Breakdown
During treatment preparation, I experienced an overwhelming emotional crisis triggered by four interconnected realizations:
Physical Vulnerability: Despite decades overcoming severe childhood asthma through discipline and hard work, chemotherapy felt like poisoning the strong body I'd built.
Loss of Control: I struggle with blind faith but faced a stark choice: accept the treatment or face "fatal within a year" without it.
Illness Recognition: After decades feeling medically invincible, cancer pulled me "right back to the hard earth."
Mortality Confrontation: I contemplated losing everything—family, experiences, sensations—if treatment failed.
Experience During Treatment
The actual infusion lasted several hours and proved "really quite dull." I felt a sharp tingle at the tumor site, which felt encouraging. I refused anti-anxiety medication, preferring to remain present and aware, reading Buddhist philosophy instead to practice mindfulness.
Conclusion
I completed Round 1 of 6 treatments, experiencing emotional release again while putting on my shoes afterward. The session exemplified the paradox of chemotherapy: counterintuitive yet rationally necessary.